the post you’ve all been waiting for

So that may have been a little bit of false advertising on my part, but if you’ve been one of the two or three people who still check in on me occasionally, this would actually be the post you’ve been waiting for. I spent a little bit of time trying to think what I would write in my first post after such a long hiatus, but nothing that ran through my head made the cut. I could of course go into a long political rant that a small number of my dear readers would eventually hate me for, but I’m just not feeling it tonight. In an effort to get the creative (yet possibly entirely uninteresting) juices flowing, I present you with this brief commentary on Apple products.

Apple products are like crack.

Addendum: Apple products are like chemically enhanced crack with the same addictive properties as oxygen.

There is a small number of things in my life that I find myself relying heavily upon every day, and that when they’re missing cause a lost feeling that is akin to a blind sheep wandering in a snow storm. I will exclude the obvious ones (God, my wife, life sustaining nutrients, blood, you get the idea) and focus on the issue at hand.

I had a guy offer me a fairly new Dell XPS studio laptop. It was very nice and actually specced out (referring to the hardware specifications for the less geeky crowd) higher than my MacBook. I thought about it for two seconds. In that brief amount of time I started with the logic of greater processing and graphics power, and then, before the logic could get two words in, a sorrow at the idea of my pet project not being at my side overwhelmed me completely. It was sad, pathetic, awkward, and a little scary all at the same time. Since when does a laptop, of which I have used and abused many, make me think twice about upgrading?

Then there was the iPhone.

Before I begin let me clarify what you probably already know: I have had more individual iPhone handsets than most people have ever even considered possible for someone to possess. I went through three today as a matter of fact. In all of these handsets I have only ever paid for one, and that was a while ago. Weird I know.

In case you cared to know at all here is my iPhone history:

1. Was bought a brand new iPhone 2g 16GB for hacking an iPhone for a customer of mine at Circuit City.
- Dropped this shiny new iPhone face down in the parking lot the next day shattering the glass.
2. Took shattered iPhone to Apple store that evening with tears in my eyes and was promptly given a warranty replacement.
- Dropped this shiny new warranty replaced iPhone in a toilet (clean!) a month later.
- Sold the water damaged carcass on eBay for $350 and bought a BlackBerry Pearl.
3. After several warranty replacements on my Pearl AT&T issued me a free upgrade to the BlackBerry Bold which I promptly hated. It had just come out on the market, however, and was in high demand. Enter the good idea.
4. Traded shiny new BlackBerry Bold warranty replacement (track ball issues) on craigslist for used iPhone 3g.
- Previously loved iPhone 3g screen stops responding to touch and crashing.
5. Receive shiny new warranty replaced iPhone 3g from Apple due to faulty touch screen.
- Drop shiny new warranty replaced iPhone 3g face down in parking lot, thoroughly damaging trim and chipping glass.
- Cosmetically damaged iPhone begins to exhibit problems with native applications crashing too much.
6. Receive shiny new warranty replaced iPhone 3g from Apple due to faulty software/hardware. Promptly buy hard case.
- Sell shiny new warranty replaced iPhone 3g on craigslist to explore other smart phone handsets.
- Go through the following phones (I probably forgot some): BlackJack 2, LG Vu, Nokia, BlackBerry 8110, RAZR, Palm Centro.
7. Contract upgrade comes along and I buy the reduced price iPhone 3g.
- Hard case leaves ugly marks on the trim and body of shiny new iPhone 3g.
8. Apple warranty replaces iPhone 3g for various hardware/software issues (AKA ugly marks all over, whacky Safari).
- Barter shiny new warranty replaced iPhone 3g for something I needed along with an unlocked BlackBerry Bold.
9. Trade unlocked BlackBerry Bold for the iPhone 3g. I planned to barter back with the BlackBerry in the first place.
10. Apple warranty replaces used iPhone 3g screen due to bad seals that led to dust under the display.
- New display has seals so bad that I can see phone internals through them, I promptly show it to the Genius.
- Genius issues new unit to try and make me happy, walks away.
- Take plastic off of new unit and am surprised to be staring at damage on the trim.
- Show it to another Genius who promptly hands me another unit.
11. Matt is happy.

Before you leave your mind boggled comment there was a reason I even listed that history in the first place. I have owned nearly every advanced phone ever made. Trust me, that brief listing didn’t cover 1/1000 of what I’ve had. In all of my exploring various technologies and brands I have never found another device like the iPhone. Even with it’s stunted features (we still don’t have MMS!!!) it is unrivaled in design and application availability. I do everything with it. I play video games, take photos, manage my calendar, email back and forth with craigslist buyers, post to craigslist, write blog posts when my MacBook isn’t handy, text my beautiful wife, and even lose weight.

Remember that Birth of a Fanboy post from earlier? Scratch that. Birth of a Fanboy Apple Dependent. How did this happen? For years I vied on behalf of PC supremacy, and now here I am thinking about how much I would love a copy of Snow Leopard. How truly pitiful I have become.

Now that I’ve written a nearly 1000 word essay on my strange affinity for Apple products I think I’ll go for now. I have my FarmVille farm to manage, Pirates to boss around, and Facebook posts that need my comments. Hopefully I’ll be inspired to write something unrelated to technology next so that the rest of the universe can nod their heads in gleeful agreement.